CHAPTER ONE -FRUSTRATION

“Just let go.....”
The old man’s words echoed in my mind, as they always did when I was trying.  It was easy for him to say, he knew what he was doing.  I hissed in frustration as I realised that my latest attempt was probably going to end in failure as well.  The problem was I didn’t really know what I was trying to do.  I knew there was a barrier and I knew I had to break through it.  No, let me rephrase that, he wanted me to break through it.  Lying again, I want to break through it too.  I’m just fed up because I can’t.
“Just let go and it will happen” seemed to be his mantra.
How? And what was I supposed to be letting go of?  Those were the questions he wouldn’t answer except to say those words that were fast becoming the most annoying ones I had ever heard and again I asked myself why?  Why bother?  Why put myself through this twenty times a day only to end in failure again.  I was making myself more and more surly and bad tempered with each attempt that failed.    Why was I a fully grown man doing feeling like a boy who couldn’t get his maths homework right?  So frustrating and annoying and that pain in the backside ‘teacher’ made it sound so bloody easy with his “Just let go”.  I wished I could give up and go back to how my life was before I knew about this strange new ‘world’ that I now lived in.  Ignorance after all was bliss.  But I knew I couldn’t.  Not knowing what I did now.    I sighed and bought my mind back to the task in hand.  My room was in total darkness, he told me that was the best way.  There was no audible sound either.  As little distraction as possible he advised.  Not that that helped.  Who would have thought silence could be so noisy.
Despite my resignation I decided to keep trying.  I adopted a lotus position again in the middle of the floor.  Legs crossed, hands palm upwards with my fingers pinched together and my wrists resting on my knees.  I started to listen to my heartbeat and breathing, trying to get them in time with each other.  This helped calm my mind and my mood.    Breathe in, breathe out.  Slowly blocking out all of the noise apart from my breathing which was now in time with my heart beat, or was it the other way around?  Either way it didn’t matter.  I was calm.  It felt nice a real change from my usual state of mind.    I was surprised at how easy it was after the first few attempts it became to get to this stage.  Breathing in line with my heartbeat seemed to actually slow my heart down and take me into a different place.  Charles, the aforementioned ‘teacher ‘said this state of mind was a good place to go when things get to me.  Everything becomes more ordered here and starts to sort themselves out.  Apparently it’s because it is close to your subconscious mind.  Anyway, your subconscious is a big part of your mind mind, the part that gets things done.  It takes things that happen to you and makes sense of them.  It helps you solve problems and every now and again you know when you get that gut feeling about something?  That’s your subconscious mind telling whether to do something or not.  Piece of advice, listen to it, it knows best.  
So I’ve got myself here to a good calm place, I am finding this part easier and to be honest it encourages me to keep going.  If this part hadn’t got easier I no doubt would have given up by now.  I’m good at that, giving up when things don’t quite go my way.  So here I am as near to my subconscious mind as I can get without actually touching it.  I try to imagine touching it as Charles suggested, letting it flow around me.  I try to ignore the part of me that still doesn’t believe this is real.  Ignore the part of me that is screaming at me telling me not to do this.  Ignore the wall or barrier that is in place stopping me.  I try to concentrate on touching my real mind as I have heard it called...  But I can’t.  I just don’t see how it could be that simple.  My hands become fists my knuckles turn white as I grip my fingers into my palm until it hurts.  Dammit!!  He makes this sound so easy!  I open my eyes, my calmness again turned to frustration, the breathing forgotten.  Again.....
I sigh and get up.  I walk over to the desk to turn on the table lamp knocking my waste paper bin flying as I do so.   Great, I get to clean that up as well now.  I slump into my chair as I flick the lamp on.  My laptop is off so I hit the power button with a little more force than I need to and it starts its slow boot up sequence.  I sit there drumming my fingers waiting impatiently.  Is it me or do computers just get slower the older they get?  Anyway, I may as well email Charles with another ‘I’ve failed’ message and see what he comes back with.  Hopefully, something a bit more helpful this time than ‘Just let go’.
Why am I doing this?  Or what am I doing?  Two questions you probably have been asking yourself or selves as you read my ramblings.  Well let me ask you a question or two instead.  Have you ever wondered if this was it?  The life you were living was as good as it got.  That you were put on this earth to grow up, raise a family, grow old and die with all the trimmings of jobs and mortgages and so on that goes with it?  Did you ever think you were better than all this?  I certainly did and do.  There has got to be more to it hasn’t there?  Well do you want the good news or the bad news?  I’ll give you both starting with the good news.  Yes there is more, but you are unlikely to get it or know about it.  You are better than you are at the moment.  Something more.  But guess what?  There is something stopping you from being that, or better yet even knowing about it and in some cases even dreaming about it.  Yes we are back to that flaming barrier again.
My computer beeps at me as it boots into windows and I wait until I can open the email programme.  Then wait again as seventeen or eighteen junk emails are downloaded straight into my junk mail folder.  One of the best inventions ever that.  Means I don’t have to read that some African prince wants to send me millions and just needs my bank details or that I can have massive breasts by popping a few pills.  I won’t tell you about the rest I get but I am sure you can guess.  You can probably tell by now I am not a very patient or tolerant person.  Hence my frustration at not being able to do something that sounds pretty easy, but that’s me for you.  Better get used to it if you are going to keep reading this.
The email finally finishes and I make a promise to myself to go through the junk mail folder and check to make sure there is nothing important in there.    Then I look at the number in there.  Eight hundred and fifty six.  Oops.  Maybe I’ll save that for a day when I haven’t got anything better to do.   
I click on my contacts and open up Charles’s page.  I tap send email and then start to type. ‘Failed again’ is all I put.  Then I hot send and put my feet up on the desk while I wait for a response.  It doesn’t take long.  No doubt he had his email open waiting for me to send the message.  It kind of freaked me out the first few times he did it.  He knows you see when I am going to do something, a by product of being able to do what he can.  So whenever I get in touch he is expecting it.  Very irritating.  I’ve tried to catch him out by sending stuff at strange times, but within 30 seconds he has responded.
I open the email ‘Just Let Go’ are the only three words on the page followed by the letter C.  Aaggh, what is wrong with this man?
‘Of what?’ I send back testily.  Not expecting a response.  But this time I get one.  I click on it.
‘YOURSELF.......’  Oh good grief what is he on.
‘Charles, I am having real trouble here.  A little help, please?’  I send back.  A couple of minutes later I get a response.  I am surprised.
‘Pop by later, we will talk.’  Now I am really surprised.  I send a quick ‘okay’ in response and shut my machine down.  Well wonders will never cease.  Although, I won’t get my hopes up too much.  He has been very vague so far so I doubt later will be any different.  Still he does have a nice wine cellar so it won’t be a totally wasted evening.  I like a nice glass or four of red and Charles seems to have some good stuff that is very easy on the pallet.  
Ignoring that thought I go back to thinking about what I am trying to achieve here and what it will mean when I can do it.  I am still trying to take it all in.  The things I have been told and the things I have seen in the last few days have made me look at the world completely differently.  My life so far has been a complete waste of time.  Well, it hasn’t because it led me here, but you know what I mean.  When you have a life changing event like become suddenly rich, or falling in love or having a child, or even losing a loved one, what went before suddenly seems so pointless.  Well that is how this feels.  I haven’t been to work in over a week.  Good job I had a pretty good excuse.   Oh and a note from the doctor.  That always helps.  I would have been useless if I had gone in anyway, I had been walking around in even more of a daze than usual.  My family had even noticed so it must be bad.  Most other people would probably have reacted in the same way but I make a promise to myself to watch what I am doing.  It wouldn’t do for people to start asking questions as I wouldn’t be able to answer them.  Purely because I would be sent to the lunatic asylum if I did.
So Charles wanted to see me later, good because I had a million questions for him.  I looked at my watch.  I had a few hours to kill so I decided to go for a run to try and clear my head a bit.  That and the fact I liked to stay in shape as well.  I started to run when I was at school and I actually got quite good at the middle distances, but like everything else you let it slide as you get older.  So I never competed.  Then one day I just started jogging and it has become a daily habit since.
So I get changed into shorts and a training top and pull my trainers on.  I leave my room and run downstairs.  I’m going for a run I shout as I open the front door.  My mother shouts something behind me but I don’t hear her as I slam the door shut.  Twenty four years old and I still live with my parents.  How sad.  Still we all have our crosses to bear and the rent is cheap.  I turn to run down the road as it heads towards our local forest.  I much prefer to run in rough terrain than on the road.  It’s much harder and also you are less likely to be hit by an idiot driver.  I like where we live.  Close enough to town that it’s convenient and I don’t need a car, but close enough to the forest to mean that within a few minutes I can be in the middle of nowhere.  I hit the woods at a decent pace and pick up my favourite trail that leads to the lake.  Good lake that, especially for fishing.  There is a few big pike in there that have given me a good battle on the odd occasion when I was younger.  
As I run I start to think again.  Trying to work my way through what Charles has told me to see if there is something I am missing in my attempts to get past my ‘barrier’.  I get a bit caught up in this and I don’t notice the man in a dark suit watching me run.  Not until I almost run into him as I turn to run clockwise around the lake.
“Oops sorry. “ I say as I swerve to avoid him.  I keep running.
“Mr Freeman?” he asks from behind me.  He knows my name.  I stop and turn around.  I take my first proper look at him.  He is dressed in an all black suit with a white shirt and purple tie.  His hair is dark and receding at the temples and he is wearing sunglasses on a miserable day like today.  Strange.
“Yes.”  I answer.  “Who wants to know?”  
“Never mind that.  I just wanted to warn you.”
“Warn me?  Warn me about what?” I ask.  Even though I have a good idea about what he is going to warn me.
“Your association with Charles is causing us some concern.  We know he has told you some things, we would suggest it is safer for you and your family that you forget them and go back to your job as though nothing has happened.”
I don’t like being threatened.
“Who is we? “  I ask.
“That doesn’t matter Mr Freeman.  Just be rest assured that we are watching you and we will take action if we deem it appropriate.”  At that point his jacket opened and I could see the outline of a holster like one of those shoulder ones you see on those cop shows on television.  At this point I get a bit scared.  A gun is a gun after all.  What on earth is going on???
“Uhm there is a lot of people around here; I don’t think using that would be a good idea.”  I say, sounding a lot more nervous than I would have liked.  God that sounded crummy and a bit pathetic.
He laughed.  “Oh Mr Freeman, we are a lot more subtle than that when we want to do something.”  He started to turn away.  “I just wanted to give you a little friendly advice is all.”  With that he walked away nonchalantly.  I stood there watching him with my hands on my knees.  More to hold myself upright than anything else.  I was shaking.  I’ve never even seen a real gun before let alone been threatened by one.  Oh I know he said he would not use it.  But I didn’t believe that for a minute.  I watched him walk the other way around the lake while I tried to calm myself down.  I tried the breathing exercise but it didn’t work.  I decided to start running again as far away from him as possible as quick as I can.  I need to see Charles.  Not later, that man owes me a lot of answers and I want them now.  He could have bloody warned that this might happen.
As I am running I look round I see that the man in the suit has vanished.  Odd, I only took my eyes off of him for a few seconds.  I look round a bit more nervously expecting him to jump out on me again, but the only people around are the fisherman dotted around the lake and a couple of other runners.  I got the distinct feeling he was watching me though and that freaked me.  A lot.
I pick up the pace.  As I turn into the woods to get to the trail that leads to Charles’s house.  I start to shake even more.  I get a little into the woods so that no one could see me and then I grab hold of a tree. Lean down and throw up.  Twice.  I stay there for a while like that.  Spitting the bile out of my mouth and making sure I’m not going to blow again.
Dammit Charles!  I think to myself.  What the hell are you playing at?  Why didn’t you warn me about this?  Why can’t you give me a straight answer about any of this and for God’s sake can you not just give me some decent help when I ask for it.
“Because you haven’t said please.” Came the reply, sounding I may add a touch amused.  I look round sharply.
“Charles?”  There is no one there.
“Of course there is no one there.  I’m not speaking to you either.”
What the?  I am looking around still trying to work out where the voice is coming from.
“I am in your head William.”
“What?” I ask.
“I am in your head and you have no need to talk out loud.  Your thoughts are quite loud enough.  Besides, people will think you have gone mad and are talking to yourself and I believe you could do without that complication.”
“Thanks.” I say out loud somewhat sarcastically.
“William??” Charles’s voice in my head admonishes.  I smile in spite of myself and think back.
“So when were you going to tell me about this?”
“This evening.  I can see you aren’t getting very far and I was watching your encounter with the gentleman with interest?”
“Wait a minute.  Does that mean you can read my thoughts and..”
“See what you do? “ He finishes.  “Yes”  
Oh great I think.
“Would you mind not? “ I ask him.  This is all I need.  
“Of course.  But come to mine now and I will explain everything.”  At last some answers.  Then he is silent, gone.  I decide I am going to take his advice and start the jog to his house which happily is only a couple of miles away from here.  I’m seething as I run and I use the exercise to try and calm down.  It’s all very well opening doors to new possibilities, but someone has just pointed a gun at me.  Someone, namely Charles owed me a lot of answers and I am going to get them.  Now.